Contradictions

Is it possible to miss something that was never there to begin with?
To miss 'the ideal' or the memory that is only a pigment of the imagination?
To miss something that feels so real yet somehow it's impossible to understand. How do you know you need something when it's never been there before?
To be entirely sure and wholly incomplete at the same time?

it must be winter

It must be winter. I have whacked the woolen bobble hat out :)

week five

Primarily I tend to blog about the highs, lows, and all inbetween aspects of my life. Consiting mainly of modelling work and my travels and thoughts. I seem to forget that I am actually a university student too. Amongst the madness of life, I do attend my lectures and I do study and learn. When I'm not away here there and everywhere, I have to take the time to study. This is becoming even more of a priority at the moment, with me beginning the second year of my degree. This is the year that actually counts. It's a step up and I highly doubt that it's intended to be easy.

Psychology and Counselling is what I do. I love it. It's the other half of my life and I really do enjoy what I do. I have a hell of a lot of love for some of the friends I have here too.

Study time though? It's genuinely taking the life out of me. All my energy is being zapped from my body and I am left feeling as though I am walking dead on my feet. I was in London last week when an Italian coffee barrista rather politely yet truthfully observed that 'your body is here but your head is not in the room..'
This was while I quietly took a moment to myself while I struggled to decide whether to drink coffee or tea while waiting for my train.

I am not sleeping. Last night I did not sleep. I proceeded to sleep from 6am-10am this morning before heading to Starbucks and Uni to work..

questions and answers

'Always the beautiful answer who asks a more beautiful question.'
E. E. Cummings

Isn't it ironic the way life has a strange way of creeping up and almost making us question life itself. A question of the workings of the world, a question of love and truth, and a question of the core of our very being. Unexpected answers and uninvited questions but there's no way to escape.
Maybe we will never find some answers anyway. Perhaps some, we will regret ever knowing. But the truth is, the curiosity keeps us alive and living. It keeps us breathing and wanting to move forward and motivates us to make changes that otherwise would not be made.
Or maybe 2am reflections are just a little too reflective to make any form of logical sense..

To love

It is cold.
Today I am wearing a hand knitted jumper. My Nan knitted it for me a couple of years ago. I'm not wearing it because it's cold. (Okay, that's partly why I'm wearing it.) But I am wearing this jumper because it's comfortable, full of warmth, and it makes me feel loved. I feel cared for, I feel like I matter, and I feel wrapped in love. Such a simple feeling but sometimes it is all a person needs.

one of those days

Today is one of those days.
One of those days where having space and time to be alone seems like the only solution. I've been in uni since 9am this morning and the last class of today was cancelled as it was optional anyway. I decided to print out some work and take myself to a coffee shop in town to be on my own, in a corner, spread some work out, listen to Laura Marling, and enjoy a nice bit of escapism. So here I am, relaxed already, wrapped up warm with my work and my steamed soy beverage. This is the ultimate de-stressing tool. I fully intend on working. I am just taking a moment..

Time alone is underestimated.
I have reading to do. I have researching and analysing, and I have articles and journals to critique. Such is the life of a student who multi-tasks her life alongside a modelling career.
I am not complaining :)
I do just like to take these moments and not rush ahead of my mind and my thoughts. Time already moves too quickly. We must stop and appreciate these thoughts, even if they don't mean an awful lot. It's far better to be in tune with yourself during the in-between moments than it is to forget that half of a life even exists.

Long days, London nights

Lately I have been feeling so tired that I could literally fall into a deep sleep mid way through the day. In fact, about half an hour into my child development lecture this afternoon I had to really fight to keep my eyes open. I never usually have this problem. Ironically, I usually adopt insomniac tendencies, surviving from a very minimal amount of sleep.
Trying to figure out what's going on is a little too much.

Part of me wants to think that being back at uni is needing more adjusting to than I initially thought. I love being back. I do. I really love being back at uni, learning more, seeing friends, having goals and plans for my future life. It keeps my feet on level ground.

I do believe I have said this before -
I live with my head in the clouds but my feet are always firmly on the ground. I know this is only a reflection of my own perception of myself but it's probably resembling some form of truth.

Currently I am sat in my hotel room in London. I'm here because I have a job here tomorrow. The other model has gone to bed and in all honesty I am ready for a good weeks worth of sleep.

New work

Few new shots from shoot with lovely northern photographer Xanthe Hutchinson. It was a lovely day - cold and stormy although you really wouldn't guess!

actions speak louder than words

'What you do speaks so loudly that I cannot hear what you say.'
Ralph Waldo Emerson.

This couldn't be closer to the truth.
The actions of a person are often far more significant than the words they choose to communicate. We have a huge insight into a persons being purely based on the decisions they make and the way they present themselves to the world. Often words are not even needed.
Words are powerful. There's no denying the power and freedom of speech but too often we underestimate and overlook the reality and truth behind the words.

while studying these thoughts crop up

'It is amazing how complete is the delusion that beauty is goodness'
Leo Nikolaevich Tolstoy

The lovely bones

Currently 3am and yes, I do have a 9am lecture tomorrow morning in research design and planning - in which I have prepared my paper to review. But blah blah, besides the point. The weekend has been spent absolutely enjoying the sunshine, spending time with those close to me, and beginning a little studying while generally adjusting to my new home in York (which is simply lovely and is not requiring much adjusting to at all). The intention was to have an early (ish) night to allow myself the best possible chance of awakening to my alarm clock in the morning. But I seem to have forgotten my good intentions, partly due to More4 showing the beautiful film, 'The Lovely Bones'

I have read this book a good few times - each time finding a new part to fall in love with. For this fact alone, I have high expectations of the film and when I expect this much, very rarely does the film live up to my hopes. This one is an exception. I am a very creative and visual person, so films must capture my attention in that aesthetic and creative respect in order for me to maintain my interest and focus. The Lovely Bones has a brilliant cast and direction, the most atmospheric and perfectly fitting soundtrack, and such beautiful imagery and scenes. The intense unfolding of such a tragic story breaks my heart, yet in the same heartbreaking moments, life seems to make sense in such an uplifting way. It takes a true story to allow both feelings to happen at one moment in time. I escape from the reality of this world into my own reality, whatever that may be. But it doesn't feel so lonely because for that one moment in time I am not alone.

'I wasn't lost, frozen or gone.
I was alive.
I was alive in my own perfect world.'
- The Lovely Bones.

Barcelona behind the scenes

Barcelona was just incredibly beautiful. I fell in love with everything about the city.
Some behind the scenes shots from the editorial..

this is the life

Just a snap shot of how we spent the day yesterday. Anna and I - Au revoir to September by the river, drinking tea, being happy. Living for the moment.

when models go to work

October

Another post courtesy of my iPhone. It's rather frustrating because I definitely prefer to use my laptop for blogging but the new Internet connection in my house does not appear to be on my side in the slightest today. Hence, the iPhone useage.

Yesterday was such a beautiful Septembers day. I honestly believe that the sun acts as a natural and holistic but incredibly strong anti depressant. Who needs pills and such when all you need is a daily dose of delicious tea, good friends, and a generous amount of warmth and sunshine.

A beautiful day means life is good and we are left with a very happy and content me. Why must we struggle and endure the bad days when there's the remotest possiblity that each and every day could be just as lovely? Why does life work that way? It doesn't feel 'real' enough to say that we must survive the tough in order to appreciate all the goodness life can offer. It's logical, yes. But it's too much of an easy and safe explanation to a question that some just cannot understand.