Song of today.

Just have to make note of the lyrics of James Blunt's work, because I cannot seem to stop listening to his album today and his lyrics have a sort of relevance:


'Out Of My Mind'

Judging by the look on the organ-grinder,
He'll judge me by the fact that my face don't fit.
It's touching that the monkey sits on my shoulder.
He's waiting for the day when he gets me,
But I don't need no alibi - I'm a puppet on a string.
I just need this stage to be seen.
We all need a pantomime to remind us what is real.
Hold my eye and know what it means.

I'm out of my mind.

 

Mysterious and marvelous

“I have grown to love secrecy. It seems to be the one thing that can make modern life mysterious or marvelous to us. The commonest thing is delightful if one only hides it. When I leave town now I never tell my people where I am going. If I did, I would lose all my pleasure. It is a silly habit, I dare say, but somehow it seems to bring a great deal of romance into one’s life.”

  Oscar Wilde

It's been another lovely day of snow and hot chocolates and wrapping up warm, listening to the likes of Norah Jones, Oasis, James Blunt, and Laura Marling.
I have taken it upon myself to change my meds. Only slightly.. It's allowed, hey? Who's to stop me? Doubt I should be writing that, but I don't really know who will read it. There's an example of one of my little 'secrets'.

I had a conversation with someone today, someone I've known for a long time now. He knows me very well.. It's quite scary actually, but he's one of those friends who knows me better than I know myself. Maybe that's why I have that tendancy to push him away, because I know that he's always there, no matter what. It upsets me that my own messed up head even affects our friendship. It's difficult to explain that I actually thrive from keeping myself at a certain distance from others. I let a select few in, I keep others an arms width from me, and I live inside four walls in which I refuse to let anyone else in. Seems very lonely and potentially quite selfish. I don't have a big secret - but my 'issues' do survive from secrecy. I've become a pro at lies, manipulative and deceitful little lies. I hate that. Lies lies lies. I can't stand lies.
But now I'm getting a little sidetracked.

What I want to say, is that by keeping myself to myself, it means that I feel somewhat safe. A comfortable safety where I don't really let many people in because I'm afraid that what they'll see isn't what they think I am. Infact, I worry that I don't even know these parts myself. So I'm afraid of discovering the unknown too.
xxx

Last day of November

'No one can make you feel inferior without your consent'

Eleanor Roosevelt, 'This Is My Story,' 1937

 

 

xxx

The traditional British snow day

So it's well known that the population of England love nothing better than hearing their schools/universities/work places are closed due to snow. We all remember the winter school mornings we woke up to peek out of the window and there's a beautiful, untouched white blanket laid all around. Then excitedly wake mum up before eating breakfast, watching TV and listening to the radio awaiting the announcement that your school was indeed closed for the day! Then on goes the snow boots, winter knits, hats, scarfs, gloves.. and the sledge! When we were younger anyways. At 21 it's not such a naive excitement, because I do appreciate that as a travelling worker, degree student, and driver, we do have things to do, people to see, and schedules that need to run on time.

There was a moment last night though, The mother and I were watching the snow fall heavily.. It was actually really beautiful. Dark outside, big snowflakes falling and gracefully landing on the ground.. lit up by a few street lamps. A few cars tried, struggled and failed to make their way to the top of the hill. Have to admit this provided a little entertainment. We did take a minute to acknowledge that even though we're not kids any more, the snow still has that slight magical effect. For some reason, and I don't really know what.. When you stand there and just watch the snow and look all around, it kind of takes away all your worries for a short while. And we ended up smiling and feeling festive and cosy and like a family. It was just lovely!

I'm watching the news - Images from Scotland are stunning in the snow! Kind of wish I lived there :)

xxx

Once in a while

“ We all get lost once in a while, sometimes by choice, sometimes due to forces beyond our control. When we learn what it is our soul needs to learn, the path presents itself. Sometimes we see the way out but wander further and deeper despite ourselves; the fear, the anger or the sadness preventing us returning. Sometimes we prefer to be lost and wandering, sometimes it’s easier. Sometimes we find our own way out. But regardless, always, we are found. ” 

Cecelia Ahern - Thanks For the Memories.

 

So true, we do all get lost at some point in our lives. It's how we find our way back home again that matters. The hard thing is - the only way to really find ourselves again is by facing the hurt and the shit that made us fall in the first place. That's why it feels safer and easier to stay as we are, wandering through life. But that's not life. That is simply existing, not living. 

Just a thought

xxx

a winter's morning

I reckon winter has well and truely arrived now. Icey cold, snowy yesterday, that fresh crisp feeling in the air.. The sky looks gloriously full of sunshine yet there's still ice on the ground. If anything, it's a good excuse to layer up and not get funny stares from people! Thermal clothes, lots of chunky knits, about 3 pairs of warm socks, knitted tights.. boots with layers of softness inside! And of course, the wooly hat comes out. I'm not really afraid of dressing any way I feel. I wouldn't describe myself as having a set 'style' or following any certain 'trends'.. I tend to go along with how I feel and if I feel comfortable, happy and vaguely dressed in a way that looks like I havn't just thrown on the first thing I found, then I'm away! 

Back to THE wooly hat! It's actually a man's hat. Which means it's slightly on the big side. It's one of those big warm ones that have ear flaps and toggles and a big woolen bobble on the top. I think it's the cosiest thing to wear. If my head and ears are kept nicely warm then the rest of me tends to follow suit. However my friends who know me always seem to find it amusing when I wear it. It's nice.. but so unexpected of me! I whacked it on during skills classes yesterday at uni! And it was mentioned then aswell :) Ha! Apparently it's because it's so big on my small frame and my 'composed' nature! Me being 'tall and slim and elegant' (I would beg to differ!!) 

Well, there's a lot of love for the hat :)

On another completely different note, my beautiful friend Ruth is off on her way to interview with an agency today. I absolutely know she's going to blow them away and she'll be fabulous. She's got me back to thinking about all things fashion and art and modelling again. I say again, but it's not really again. It's always on my mind.. It's what I do really! But sometimes I forget just how much my heart and mind can be into it all. I am so grateful to be where I am at the moment with all of it. I was actually on the Boss blog yesterday - an article about the other red-head new girl and myself, describing us as 'Titanian Goddesses' I do quite like that name - it may catch on!

If there is one girl out there who I think is absolutely incredible it's Lily Cole. (she flies the flag for the red heads aswell). I've always been a little envious of how stunningly perfect she is.

Just beautiful

Righty, I'm actually going to do something productive with today. Day off and all that jazz

xxx

Just to listen

Over the past couple of weeks, and especially today I'm realising just how much it means to have someone sit down and give you their time just being there and listening. Listening is such a powerful thing. To let a person to feel heard and understood. But most importantly, to feel like there's someone who cares enough to be there - perhaps to read between the lines. It doesn't take much but surprisingly there's not all that many people who can do it.

It makes a real big difference.

xxx

Vacant stares

Vacant stares
That's been me lately. I don't like it but I do think it's the case. Who knows why? No one but me. But actually I don't even know the answer myself. What's behind my eyes? Emptiness? Fear, loneliness... I could write a list as long as my arm but it would be a quite depressing list so I will save you from reading it. When you see me like this - please don't mistake me for someone I'm not. When I'm seemingly staring blankly into the empty space, I'm not being selfish and I'm not dreaming of a better world. I'm simply a lost person trying to make sense of the world and trying to find a way to make sense of the irrational mind I live with.

It seems a rather sad story. One that I should be ashamed of, but who's to say it's bad? It's just me.

This is from a lovely little book - it helps make sense of the sadness that otherwise is impossible to describe.

Uni presentation was this morning, on existentialism. That's probably what's making me think.

xxx

Days of procrastination are over.

It's saturday afternoon and don't think I've seen real day light all day. This is a true English dark and gloomy winters-day. And to top it off, the mother and I are about to take the dog out (in the rain.) Lovely.

Nevertheless, I don't really have anything to really complain about! Quite content today. Frankie, George and I went to see the new Harry Potter film last night. It was immense! By far the best one to date. Even Daniel Radcliffe's acting has significantly improved. Also, Rupert Grint never fails to entertain me. And Emma Watson is incredibly talented and envy-provokingly beautiful. Infact, just Harry Potter is great. I am aware I'm at risk of sounding very sad at 21 years old and loving those books. But that's the way I roll :)

Some of the wisest words are spoken in those books: 

'Of course it is happening inside your head, but why on earth should that mean that it is not real?' 

Ahh, anyays I shall stop my 'Harry Potter is amazing' discussion and get ready to brave the great outdoors with Lady.

 

Also - Sneak peek of latest shoot. Hope you like

xxx

Friday feeling

Good morning. Oh this is different - blogging in the morning! It's usually an obsurd time of the night. Well, change is good.

I would have updated last night but if I remember rightly I was pretty much dead on my little old feet. So here I am - 9am and ready to start the day. It's uni reading week (well, the last day of reading week really) But I feel like today is the only real 'reading week' day I've had. Before I write any more, I HAVE to share these beautiful little pups with you. Mark's parents have 2 brand new puppies. They are tiny and ever so adorable.. Take a peek.. (I went to visit them last night)

Teagan and Timmy :) Oh they are tiny and lovely little things.

Back to today anyways - I am as free as a bird! I DO have a little bit of uni work actually but I shall get that done this morning. Existentialism presentation to do on Monday and also need to get on with the rest of my humanisic essay. Easier said than done I reckon. I did have a therapy appointment today but she had to rearrange so that's free'd up my lunch time. Oh I love the irony - let's make my therapy time during actual lunch time. Way to go, to get me eating a normal lunch. Really good timing there!

Oh well. Onwards and upwards with the day. It's Friday 19th November - that is the release day of Harry Potter! (I am fully aware I'm 21 years old and perhaps that's a little sad!) But yes, I shall be getting over to the odeon tonight to see it. Of course. It's Harry Potter! I Bloody love it. There's some really incredible quotes running through those books aswell.

Au revoir xxx

Let it be

'And when the night is cloudy, there is still a light that shines on me. Shine until tomorrow, let it be.'

Let it be.... Such a wonderful song that I just can not get out of my head today! Shouldn't really complain, it's genuinely one of the best songs ever written. 

About today - I may not have eaten much today but I have consumed more than my daily recommended liquid intake of tea and coffee. This makes me very content. I have been a local in Manchester again today, Henri Lloyd shoot which actually went really well. The photographer, Mat Wright was a nice guy. Had a rather expensive jacket as the first outfit which I very much enjoyed wearing. Hopefully the pics have turned out okay. I then had a couple of hours to wait.. went into Boss to go through my recent test pics and take a peek at my brand new book :) and then had coffee, and waited for the casting this evening. (And interrupted Mark's game with a phone call) I absolutely made the most of that little rest and coffee break. It was perfect. Cold and rainy and dark outside, and I was sat all cosy and warm inside the little coffee shop by the agency. All warm - with my soya cappuccino and listening to James Morrison singing along his beautiful tunes in the background.

Of course after the casting was the journey back to lovely little Harrogate. There's no place like home. Sometimes I wish I was a little like Dorothy and I could click the heels of my little red shoes. But life can't always be perfect. I must say though, it gets pretty damn close sometimes!

Highlight of the day - The studio today was right next to Canal Street. Now, I have a lot of love for Mark. Therefore, I instinctively love Canal Street. Took a bit of time to wander through it. I came across 'Trannyoke Tuesdays'  Of course, at Queer Club! This is blatently where the new Friday nights are at.

xxx

16 year old me.

Tasha has kindly uploaded a lovely collection of  'oldies' - The best of our old school photos. They've provided me with lots of giggles and so many memories. I love photos. Anyone who knows me, knows how much I love to take a good photo and keep absolutely every one of my old photos. I have a very bad memory (if you know me well, you'll also know how shocking my memory is!) so taking and keeping photos is my own way of keeping hold of a wonderful memory that I want to stay with me forever.

This is a personal favourite. New York City, 2006. Just wonderful!

Some of these were only 4 or 5 years old and to think how much I have changed. Oh gosh. I've gone through quite a transformation and I can't pinpoint when or how or why. I've just changed. I reckon it's more than just the usual 'growing up'. I really do.. I look at people around me and I can see they've got a little older, a little wiser. But I still see WHO they are. But with myself I feel that I've somehow got lost along the way. I used to be fun. I used to LOVE life. Be so full of love and enthusiasm but I don't feel like that person any more. I am probably looking far too much into things but that's just the way I am. I think too much. So much that I don't even know who I am any more.

Well..

I am going to snap out of this and snap back into reality. Shoot for Henri Lloyd in Manchester tomorrow and then casting at the agency tomorrow eve. I'm really making the most of reading week hey! I must finish off a little bit of uni work before I get to bed tonight aswell.

Bon nuit

xxx

You can only truly live once you let go.

Reflection of this week - CRAZY. But we all know I am a little crazy so this all suits me just fine. I honestly havn't stopped. I have been somehow fitting uni in, of couse. But each morning has been around 6am and each night I have been too exhausted to actually remember what I've been doing that day. So I don't need to say that I am incredibly happy to have a day off tomorrow. Finally. Sleep on a sunday. Beautiful.

Since getting back from London town I have been to Manchester to test for Boss. Had a lovely team there actually, and great photographer. Worked with one of the other Boss models from the male new faces. Some really sweet styling too. Favourite - polka dot scarf tied in a little bow in my hair and a floral pair of shorts/dungarees and yellow tights. I felt like I was 10 years old again (which is a lovely feeling)

Also did a Blackpool shoot today with a wonderful photographer, Phil. It was a beauty shoot - bold make up, really quite nice hair styling and lots of face! I learnt something actually. I have to let go. The test of a good model is when she can let go. Which made me think -

You can only truly live once you begin to let go.

I reckon there's a lot of truth in those words. 

So I shall gracefully leave you with an image that I seem to have been seeing rather a lot of lately. Dark and rainy train stations are turning into the new hang-out place for me to be. Obviously, accompanied with a sugar free vanilla soya latte from starbucks!

Love life.

It's coming up to 1.30am and I do not know where tonight has gone! Got back home a few hours ago and have only just settled down. The past couple of days have been madness, but in a very very good way. I have been down in London with the whole next model top 10. And I bloody LOVE those people so much. There's a huge place in my heart for them. Not only is shooting and filming for Next enough of a wonderful thing to do, but seeing the other guys and girls again. No better way to cheer me up.

We were in Big Sky Studios.. Rather lovely big building. We were waiting for our cabs at 6 this evening where in one room they are on the phone discussing the Paul Smith shoot that's taking place tomorrow and in the other room, the cast of Eastenders are gathering ready for their shoot that evening. Madness :)

xxx

It's raining stars on the stray

Just another little note - I have had a wonderful night watching fireworks and have come to a little realisation. I full on LOVE my friends. And am feeling very thankful to those who get me through my life. 
Few pics of this eve, including the first one which I absolutely adore. Lovely, blissful, and Matt looks like a crazy man. 

“The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change."

Wow, today has been such a wonderful turn-around day. It was much needed. Went to York bright and early but decided to take the train instead - gives me a bit of relaxation space. So me being organised me got there rather early so I got coffee and sat to wait and people watch and think while sat in the coffee shop. People watching is going to become my new hobby. So interesting!
But got me thinking - Allow myself to drink a proper coffee and actually eat a proper breakfast for once this week and I feel good. Renewed. And pretty content in the moment. Went off to training for my new work placement and met some lovely people. I always get afraid of new groups of people but actually what's there to be afraid of? It was such a nice day. Had some lovely conversations and also discovered a couple are actually on the same course as me, just in the years above me.
And of course - Harrogate bonfire night. I wasn't going to go, because of my socially reclusive week that I've been having. Honestly, I wasn't wanting to go at all. But my beautiful friend Moor asked me last night and I swear it's the only thing that's made me smile all week. So of course, yes yes yes. Had coffee (more coffee!) and chatted, gossiped and came to the conclusion that I love that woman. Then had a wonderful night watching fireworks and being wrapped up and cosy.
Lovely :)

xxx

Ah, I shall share my newest work: Shoot with the beautiful Amber for fabulous magazine for a Next article. This was the day that the hair stylist ruthlessly chopped inches off my golden locks. And I felt incredibly uncomfortable and that 'f-a-t' word in the demin. But actually, quite like the pics!

C'est la vie

That's life.

That's life - and yes. We have to deal with it. Take everything that comes our way and just somehow deal with it. Because it's that simple?
I question that because we all know it's not that easy. Infact it's not easy at all, it's pretty damn difficult when you are left on your own and have no idea how to deal with life. The past few days havn't been great. Got to admit to that, and anyone who's seen me has known. I've been living in a bubble, existing in a different world and not connecting to anyone, or anything at all. So I had to confront it today. Sat down, and confronted it all. And I mean ALL of it.
And it's hard.
But that's life.

xxx

Self improvement. They tell me it'll all be worth it in the end

Autumn days

To be an artist is 'to be no longer yourself but to move in a world that's entirely your creating.'

Must have been a productive day. Kitchen has been full of stressful little halloween 'treats'  and finished uni to go back to my car and find I'd been issued my first parking ticket, courtesy of York city council. Thank you. Ironically today was also the first day I thought I'd put my new parking permit to good use. Turns out my head is in the clouds and I don't pay attention. Oh well, live and learn eh?

We finally have the internet back up and running after the weekend with it being down. I don't seem to have much to update on though, since the best I've come up with is food and my car. Am I getting middle aged? Ha. Best not answer that. I actually had a pretty chilled weekend off. That's such a rare thing these days. Had a lovely night at the theatre on Friday nightI actually rather miss the theatre and rehearsing and everything about that glamorous life! I miss it. Oh and I spent the rest of the weekend catching up on a lot of Waterloo Road (Loving that at the moment) and carving out pumpkins with the little sis. Halloween time means it's pumpkin city. We lovingly named our pumpkin Bob. It's definitely autumn now - can smell it, can feel it and it's getting SO cold. Leaves are golden and auburn and the sunrise and sunsets are just beautiful :)

Oh yes, and person - centered therapy. I actually am finding it quite interesting.

x